What has HCM given me?

I recently joined the HCM parents' Facebook page as I am preparing for little J's upcoming surgery. On this page, there are many questions posted that came from the HCMA website.  Two of the most recent were, "What has your/your family's diagnosis of HCM taken from you?"  and "What has your/your family's diagnosis of HCM given you?"  The first question had many answers - many sad stories that touched my heart.  But the second question, asked over a month ago, still had zero responses.  That got me to thinking about how I would answer that question. . .What has my family's diagnosis of HCM given me?

Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy has given me the hardest trials of my life thus far, hands down.  It has forced me to do and live through many things that I would never have chosen for myself, but in the process, it has blessed me in so many ways. 

It has given me empathy for people who are truly suffering – whose lives are falling apart at the seams.  I’ve been there; I’ve lived through it more than once; and it makes me want to show the kind of love I needed at that time to others.  

It has given me new friends, as neighbors and family members have reached out and shared love and compassion in countless ways.

It has shown me that I am much stronger than I think I am.  Because my husband is afflicted with this disease as well, there have been times when I have had to pull the weight for our family almost all on my own and be there for both, or either, of my heart family.  With five small children, that is no easy task.  But I have been amazed at how the Lord has blessed me to be able to do it.

It has given me a new level of courage to face adversity head-on.  I have watched the experiences of both my son and my husband and just been amazed at their courage and perseverance.  I always refer to J as my “tough kid.”  He has endured so much pain in his short lifetime, and yet, he is so happy and resilient.  He still loves doctors and associates them with suckers, stickers, and stuffed animals.  I tried to explain his surgery to him in very basic terms the other night, and he didn’t act at all afraid.  Instead, he was pumped up for the airplane ride!  If he can be brave through all of this, then so can I. 

It has given me a closer relationship with and deeper love for my immediate family, and a stronger connection with my extended family.  It has helped me to forget about all the petty little things that might cause contention, and embrace the good in each member of my family.  It has helped me to learn to embrace the good days and really soak them in, as they are often few before a new storm rolls in.  But even in the midst of those storms, we have each other.  We have so much love, it hurts.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And finally, it has given me a closer relationship with and greater love and appreciation for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  He has been there all through this rocky HCM journey – to lift me up; to give me peace; to strengthen me beyond my own capacity; to teach me truth; to help me love; to help me overcome; and even to send me some sweet miracles.  Without His atonement, there would be no positives about HCM, but because of Him, our family has gained some pretty amazing things.   

Keep Practicing

It has been a long time since I last posted, but not a long time since we last endured the trials associated with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.  In fact, there have been times when I knew exactly what to write but had no time to do it because of said trials.  But those times have long since passed, so I am going to pick up at the present, and if any of my heart friends want to do the same, please do!!!

Three days ago, after enduring the most difficult summer of our lives, mainly because of my husband Matt's HCM and related issues, we received the news that our little J will need to have his surgery in about two months.  I was grateful the news came at a time when Matt was feeling significantly better, but I felt like our time of rest between major trials was all too short.  I went for a walk in the cool morning air of this beautiful valley we live in, and pondered over the Lord's timing in all of this.

What came to my mind was the time I forgot how to ride a bike.  It is embarrassing for me to admit it.  The few people that knew about it said something like, "Is it really possible to forget how to ride a bike?"  Why yes, yes it is.  I am living proof.  When Matt and I were first married, he got me an old bike so I could ride to school from our new apartment, but I couldn't do it.  I tried a few times and couldn't get anywhere.  It had been too many years since I had attempted to ride a bike, and I was too embarrassed to re-learn in front of all the people in our complex.  After we moved to Heber, I vowed to get a bike and learn to ride again in a place that didn't feel so much like people were watching me all the time.  In time, it all came back to me, and, while I am not an expert, I can now get around on my bike with my kids, and I really enjoy it.

A similar experience I thought of this morning was when I forgot how to play Waterfall by Jon Schmidt.  It was one of my favorite songs in high school, and I used my talent for listening to learn to play the whole song without any written music.  But over the course of the busy years that followed, I played the piano less and less often, and I forgot how to play something that meant so much to me - something that had been mine.  One day, I overheard my dad telling someone how I had learned to play it all just from listening to it, and I felt unworthy of that praise.  I committed to learn to play it again - and this time I used the music.  It was hard, and I'm still not terribly proficient, but I can play it.

Is it possible to forget something we've learned, something that seems like second nature or is very dear to us?  Yes, it is.  Is it possible to remember it again after we've forgotten?  Yes, it is, but it takes a lot of work and dedication.  Is it easier to keep up on a skill that we value by practicing every day?  Of course it is!  So what's my point?

Trials require us to exercise faith, and in the process we learn a lot of tough lessons.  There are some lessons I've learned this year that I don't want to forget.  I don't want my faith to decrease because it is not being pushed and tried as much as it once was.  And only the Lord knows the magnitude of the trials that await me in the future and the faith I will need to overcome them.  So I will trust that these exercises in faith will never cease, and I will try to embrace them and be grateful that at least for now, I won't forget.